for me writing clears my mind. hopefully my story will help others see they aren't alone.
i scheduled my 12 week apointment early at 8 am so i could wake up and go down to pocatello before the kids even woke up and be back home just in time for breakfast.
i scheduled my 12 week apointment early at 8 am so i could wake up and go down to pocatello before the kids even woke up and be back home just in time for breakfast.
just another check up is what i thought.
no big deal.
no big deal.
the doctor did his normal check up things and got to the point of listening to the heart beat. after searching for a few minutes he asked if i was certain of my last menstrual cycle. i said no because i had my IUD removed in december and got pregnant right away. he said he would finish things up and go get the ultrasound machine.
the only thought i had was hmmm, maybe i'm not as far along as we thought.
no big deal.
next came the ultrasound and i got to see our little "bean" baby.
but still no heart beat.
the doctor said he was going to send me over to the ultrasound lab because his machine is older and not as accurate.
i said, "okay it's fine...as long as it's still alive."
he said, "that's the thing, i don't think there is a heart beat at all."
my heart sunk and it took everything inside me to hold back the tears.
this was a big deal.
i hadn't had one single symptom of a miscarriage except the loss of pregnancy symptoms...just nausea which is supposed to be going away by now!
second ultrasound. same results.
no holding back the tears.
i had what was called a miss miscarriage with no signs. The baby had stopped developing around 9-10 weeks and i had NO idea.
my 25 minute drive home alone was the worst.
i'm not the kind of person who thinks "why does this have to happen to me" but yet i still can't help feeling a huge loss. just when i think i'm over it and i'm not going to cry anymore, something sets it off again.
i have read quite a few stories before about other people having miscarriages but i never thought it would be this hard.
sometimes we think we have all these grand plans and everything mapped out in life just to get things turned upside down when we least expect it. kinda a theme so far for my family in 2013 and i just joined in.
life is hard and trials are a part of it. i am thankful for my family and priesthood blessings. i know Heavenly Father has a plan for our family and things will work out exactly how they should.
because i haven't had the actual miscarriage part, technically i am still "pregnant".
surgery is scheduled for thursday to completely remove everything.
the only thought i had was hmmm, maybe i'm not as far along as we thought.
no big deal.
next came the ultrasound and i got to see our little "bean" baby.
but still no heart beat.
the doctor said he was going to send me over to the ultrasound lab because his machine is older and not as accurate.
i said, "okay it's fine...as long as it's still alive."
he said, "that's the thing, i don't think there is a heart beat at all."
my heart sunk and it took everything inside me to hold back the tears.
this was a big deal.
i hadn't had one single symptom of a miscarriage except the loss of pregnancy symptoms...just nausea which is supposed to be going away by now!
second ultrasound. same results.
no holding back the tears.
i had what was called a miss miscarriage with no signs. The baby had stopped developing around 9-10 weeks and i had NO idea.
my 25 minute drive home alone was the worst.
i'm not the kind of person who thinks "why does this have to happen to me" but yet i still can't help feeling a huge loss. just when i think i'm over it and i'm not going to cry anymore, something sets it off again.
i have read quite a few stories before about other people having miscarriages but i never thought it would be this hard.
sometimes we think we have all these grand plans and everything mapped out in life just to get things turned upside down when we least expect it. kinda a theme so far for my family in 2013 and i just joined in.
life is hard and trials are a part of it. i am thankful for my family and priesthood blessings. i know Heavenly Father has a plan for our family and things will work out exactly how they should.
because i haven't had the actual miscarriage part, technically i am still "pregnant".
surgery is scheduled for thursday to completely remove everything.
I'm so, so sorry!! I wish you guys were closer so I could watch your kids or bring you a meal or just let you cry on my couch or something! I completely understand the sudden loss and feelings of unfairness. My miscarriage this summer was devastating, even though the baby's timing was the worst in the world (two weeks before I finish my last semester of classes!). It takes some time to heal; I still consider that pregnancy an actual pregnancy, even though I'm pregnant again now. I remember when my mom had a miscarriage, we all thought it was because we fought too much so Heavenly Father was taking our new baby away. Terrible guilt!! I hope you find solace and comfort during this time. Seek a Priesthood blessing. I'm sorry you had to drive home alone; that WOULD be the worst! And delivering the bad news to your family? Even harder. Good luck, girl, I'm here! Even if it is from an hour or so away! You'll be in my thoughts on Thursday!
ReplyDeleteOh, Nicole ... I can't even begin to imagine. Just know you are so loved by everyone around you and especially by Heavenly Father. Sending lots of prayers and well-wishes your way.
ReplyDeletei'm so sorry nicole! we'll be praying for you guys.
ReplyDeleteI'm praying for you Nicole. I wish you didn't have to experience the heartache. I have come to realize that my experience has helped many others, who were too scared to share their loss-thinking they would be judged. You will be able to comfort and empathize with many women and help them. You're an amazing woman! An amazing Mom! An awesome friend! Thank you for your example. I had to have a D&C as well, if you need to talk feel free to message me! I wish I was closer, I wish I could be there to help you. I wish I would have let more people help me, letting them do that service would have healed me in ways that I couldn't do myself. As I'm writing this I'm listening to President Monson's talk on blessings from October. He JUST said, "The Lord is in the details of our lives." He is there Nicole, thanks goodness for that knowledge-right? :)
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry Nicole! I know that you and your family will be able to move on from this and remember that everything happens for a reason. I haven't had a miscarriage but I'm sure it's devastating...no matter how far along you are. We'll be praying for you and praying that your surgery goes well and quickly and that recovery will be smooth!
ReplyDelete*Hugs*
ReplyDeleteOh Nicole I am so sorry this has happened. You are in our prayers.
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ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry Nicole. I understand how you feel. It sure does hurt. I hope you feel better soon. How can I help? If you need some time alone, I could watch your kids anytime.
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry! you will be in my thoughts and prayers!
ReplyDeleteGees, Nicole, I am so sorry to hear that! I just had a miscarriage as well, Dec. 31st and it was way harder than I thought it would be as well. I would feel a lot of peace then out of no where I was in tears crying in the store or places I just did not want it to be seen. I feel good and then awful the next second. Know I'm thinking of you and it will get better. My prayers are with you. ;)
ReplyDeleteHey Nicole, I actually served my mission with your husband and saw your blog on his Facebook page. I'm really sorry that you had to go through that and just wanted to say I understand. I had the exact same situation happen to me, I miscarried our second baby and didn't know until the 12 week scan. It was heart breaking, you have invested so much love and so much hope in this new member of your family only to have it taken away. I found it really hard because it is so common people assumed its not that bad or hard to cope with. But it is. Because for the mother you feel like you have lost a part of your family. I hated that people just treated it like it was an everyday occurance when for me kt wasn't. And I felt the need to mourn. The sting of it will pass but you will always feel the loss of that baby and that's ok. It is important, and it is hard. Whether it happens all te time or not. And it's ok to feel that mother love for that child still and it's ok to feel the sadness too. Hope you know that I understand how you feel!
ReplyDeleteNicole I can't even imagine what you're going through and how you feel... I pray that you receive the peace and comfort that you and Trevor need. I love you so much!
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