an unexpected loss...

for me writing clears my mind. hopefully my story will help others see they aren't alone.

i scheduled my 12 week apointment early at 8 am so i could wake up and go down to pocatello before the kids even woke up and be back home just in time for breakfast. 

just another check up is what i thought.
no big deal. 

the doctor did his normal check up things and got to the point of listening to the heart beat. after searching for a few minutes he asked if i was certain of my last menstrual cycle. i said no because i had my IUD removed in december and got pregnant right away. he said he would finish things up and go get the ultrasound machine.
the only thought i had was hmmm, maybe i'm not as far along as we thought.
no big deal.
next came the ultrasound and i got to see our little "bean" baby.
but still no heart beat.
the doctor said he was going to send me over to the ultrasound lab because his machine is older and not as accurate.

i said, "okay it's fine...as long as it's still alive."

he said, "that's the thing, i don't think there is a heart beat at all."

my heart sunk and it took everything inside me to hold back the tears.
this was a big deal.
i hadn't had one single symptom of a miscarriage except the loss of pregnancy symptoms...just nausea which is supposed to be going away by now!

second ultrasound. same results.
no holding back the tears.

i had what was called a miss miscarriage with no signs. The baby had stopped developing around 9-10 weeks and i had NO idea.

my 25 minute drive home alone was the worst.

i'm not the kind of person who thinks "why does this have to happen to me" but yet i still can't help feeling a huge loss. just when i think i'm over it and i'm not going to cry anymore, something sets it off again.
i have read quite a few stories before about other people having miscarriages but i never thought it would be this hard.

sometimes we think we have all these grand plans and everything mapped out in life just to get things turned upside down when we least expect it. kinda a theme so far for my family in 2013 and i just joined in.

life is hard and trials are a part of it. i am thankful for my family and priesthood blessings. i know Heavenly Father has a plan for our family and things will work out exactly how they should.

because i haven't had the actual miscarriage part, technically i am still "pregnant".
surgery is scheduled for thursday to completely remove everything.

a john deere birthday

 as i said before, i forgot my camera when we went to trevor's parents for the weekend of kellen's first birthday party. luckily i still got to snap some pictures with my mother in laws digital camera and now have them all uploaded to my home computer! yay!

so here we go...i will let the pictures do most of the talking : )

his monthly pictures on display!

 corn bread to go with the chili

 they were both more interested in the matches i was holding.

 she blew out the candle for him : )

 the babe and i

 daddy and the birthday boy!

his new favorite toy thanks to great grandma fowles

feel good about today

valentines day was perfect. 

full of home made valentines, love, heart shaped cinnamon rolls, valentines cartoons, suprises, food, and A LOT of candy.

 needless to say we will be on a sugar high for the next few days. 

this morning i felt a slight presence of spring. kellen woke me up around 9 and i gave him a bottle and he went back to sleep. emma was still asleep so i decided to read some more of my new book i got from the husband for valentines. as i was reading, my bedroom was bright with sunshine and i actually heard a bird chirping! i got lost in thoughts of warm spring weather, walks, time at the park, and green grass. unfortunately the second i looked out the window i was reminded that our yard still has a thick blanket of snow and although a high of 38* is appreciated, it's not quite spring weather. 

once emma finally woke up at 10:30 we had breakfast and of coarse a side of candy : ) 

my chocolate of choice is dove, its like a chocolate fortune candy! 

mine was right on for today...

sometimes i get lost thinking about the next season/holiday/big event. i create a perfect picture of what it will be like and that gets me through the empty days/weeks with nothing big going on. i live for parties and family events but today i decided that i am going to just live for today. snuggle and play with my kiddos, find the special things about today and live in the moment. 

{kellen is still asleep as i write at 11:30...and i feel pretty darn good about that} 

ONE YEAR!

click collage to make larger

i cannot believe it has been a year with this kiddo in our family!

last year when i had kellen the day before valentine's i decided that i am putting off valentine's things as much as possible so that his special day doesn't get over shadowed. i think birthdays should be a big deal and taken very seriously : ) so really that just means that i am putting off baking and valentines candy and eating too much chocolate and let's face it...that's probably a good thing.

we had kellen's john deere party on saturday and it was so much fun putting it together but of course i didn't take my camera on our weekend trip to burley, thus pictures of that will have to wait until i get them from my mother-in-law's camera. such a bummer. 

at one year kellen...

-says mama, dada, hi, muh-muh(more) 

-gives wide open mouth kisses

-loves cars and balls

-thinks it is SO funny to pull hair

-high fives

-waves bye

-plays peek a boo

-is still allergic to dairy products {hopefully he will grow out of it}

-looks for emma when he wakes up

-loves dogs

-still only has 7 teeth

-is a tease

-climbs up and down the kitchen step ladder

-tries to put on his own shoes/socks

-snuggles when he wakes up or is tired

we love you so much kellen! 

 kellen's birth story

surprise!

Due September, 11, 2013

a guide to blog buttons

blog buttons are a cute & fun way to get your blog out there for others to see, and create your own brand. when i was making mine i went through more than a few tutorials and everyone was doing it differently. i got annoyed really quickly and just about settled for something i wasn't happy with... until i came across a few websites/blogs that just laid it all out so simply!

first you have to create your button, which i found pretty easy and fun after following this tutorial.

now that the fun and easy part is done, you get into the computer language mumbo-jumbo.{which i have good reason to hate considering my dad is a professional computer man and all things computer problems turns into a big project} i looked EVERYWHERE to try and find out how to put it on my blog with a "grab the link" box underneath. 

nothing was working.

then i came across this gem. it is a website that creates the codes for you...genius!

now hopefully others will have better luck and spend less time on their own blog button : )

all about my kids-high five for friday!

it has been a crazy week but today i realized how lucky i am to have these two kiddos. really they are awesome kids who put up with a lot of craziness from me. a few things this week i noticed about my kids are...

-they are really good at being toted around on errands and everything else we do as a busy family

-emma is being so much better at sharing/playing/taking care of kellen

-they put up with my constant picture taking

-they are growing up wayyy too fast

-emma is the best sleeper and kellen actually sleeps in most days now

-they love me no matter what.

sometimes we just need to take a little extra time and notice the good things instead of all the negative. positive reinforcement is always better than negative, so here's to my kids and how awesome they are. i promise to tell you guys more of the great things you are doing each day!

and for your viewing pleasure high five for friday is dedicated to my kids this week : )

1. we had a mini photo shoot at our house this week 

2. picnics at mcdonalds are the best

3. these two are becoming great friends

4. kellen trying to put on socks and emma's boot

5.em started swimming lessons!

maybe next week i can take more pictures with my camera and less with my phone?
i'll try.

by the way.....it's february!!! yay!